Now that gun-violence has become a political hot potato in America, many patriots feel that Congress needs to address stuff that really matters, like U.S. ebola deaths and Kim Kardashian's marriages—and which number is higher. Trolling those folks who want to stifle gun-violence is a good way to make sure ebola gets its rightful atttention and Ms. Kardashian stays in the headlines in tight spandex. You also get to use that yellow flag with the scary snake on it so people will think you know stuff about history.
But trolling ain't easy. Here's five tips to get you started.
- If you're in college, don't stay in college. If you're thinking about college, stop. In fact, stop thinking altogether. To be a good troll, you're gonna need philosophers with non-bogus ideas, and your go-to thinkers for trolling all dropped out of college: Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Dana Loesch. They'll be telling you what to say, so start modeling yourself after them immediately.
- Which means if you're a man, you need to avoid sunlight, gain weight by eating food in cellophane bags or flip-top styrofoam boxes, and fix your eyes in a way that suggests strabismus. Make the move to polyester clothing, which you'll often refer to as Ban-Lon. If you're a woman, it's even harder. Buy the Barbie doll that mesmerizes you, and put her by your bed. Focus.
- Realize up front that some trolls are genetically gifted, and that their gifts fall under the general subject of atavism. Read up on this, so you'll know it when you see it and won't waste your time, having unfortunately evolved toward civility, trying to be something you're not. Just so you'll know: trolls who are atavistically determined see no difference between truth and fiction, civility and barbarity, or condos and caves, and this is a gene-busting talent for trolling that most of us don't have. How much they see when they auto-scan their environment can generally be calculated as a percentage, dwindling monthly, of the length of their nose. This too is an ocular condition called myopia (see point 2), but I am using the word figuratively which is exactly the kind of pin-headed, hair-splitting, college-think that caused your philosophers (see point 1) to drop out in the first place. I apologize for confusing you unnecessarily.
- Your philosophers (see point 1) will supply you with your attack lines, but one rhetorical strategy is important enough that I mention it now: always respond to moderate statements about gun-violence prevention (GVP) with a question so manic and rapier-like that you can start using social media acronyms like "smh" and "lmfao" with complete confidence. For example, when one of the GVP "libtards"—you're not yet cleared to use "sheeple"—says, "Ninety percent of Americans support some form of universal background checks," you respond, "So you support the rape, murder, quartering & bestialization of your loved ones in your tomato patch? See, I don't." Boom! #Winning.
- Here's the bad news. You'll have to come to terms with the Founding Fathers, and they aren't as awesome as the GVP crowd says they are. One example: Jefferson wore stockings and heeled shoes, and as late as April 25, 1773, when he ought to have been man enough to know better, purchased a brown "Dress Queue," a "Tye-Wig," two "Dress Bob-wigs," two "pairs of curls," and "three pounds of hair powder." Even as late as 1775, while traveling from Williamsburg to Philadelphia, he bought a "hair bag." Philadelphia and 1775 ring a bell? Yeah, I know. And Jefferson's buying hair bags when he should've been locking and loading. Plus, he continued to buy "pomade" all of his life. But there's more: Jefferson also read and spoke Latin, Greek, French, Italian, Spanish, and a little Anglo-Saxon. Rumors are that he was even trying to learn German, and we all know how that turned out for Hitler. Let's face it: our third President was super-comfortable with immigrants. And remember, Jefferson was a taker, not a maker, who burdened his family by indulging his insatiate need for retail therapy (wine, Italian parmesan, drapes to die for, books in foreign languages, and domes, domes, and more domes). In short, he spent his entire life raising the family debt-ceiling. And sadly, he died, by modern standards, between $1-$2 million in debt. And who paid that tab? Right. His family. My advice? Let the GVP freaks have Jefferson and the rest of them—even Madison too because one of his sentences takes longer to read than the run-time of a KFC commercial—and then surprise them with a pomade question (see point 2): "So you support male pomade and stockings? See, I don't because molon labe."
Now you know: there's a lot more to being a troll than meets the eye. But with practice, rage, and hyper-tension (see dietary recs in point 2), you can do this. I'm here to help.